Currently Listening To (in my mind): Mahou Sensei Negima OP – “Happy Material”
State of Being: Uncertain

I really wish some things in life just clicked the way they should. But then again, life is life because not everything goes the way you want it to. No matter how ambitious or relentless you are, some parts of life just don’t seem to fall into place.

If you have been reading this blog at all, you know that I am very much in love with MegaTokyo, a work created by the very influential Fred Gallagher and still ongoing. Gallagher-san is very influential to me, and probably to many other comic/manga artist/writers for many reasons.

He has been dedicated to MT for nearly 5 years

His personality traits, manner of thinking, some influences, and desires are nearly identical to mine.

His characters are “real” and renew my life and hope to create wonderful characters and stories every time I read more of his story.

He had a day job, but then began doing MT full-time, making a living from it. That is something I have been pondering doing for a while now…

Frankly, he has indirectly become my biggest inspiration & encouragement for storytelling, determining angles of success in the manga business, in working with Kokoro No Dansu with “Kou”, minor “projects” that I thought would be amusing, and writing solo stories like Koi No Houseki

In reading one of Gallagher-san’s old rants, I came upon these words that I deem applicable to my life currently:

“Raw labor is easy. You kick yourself in the pants and make yourself draw. If the creativity and the inspiration are there, this is really not as hard as it sounds, it just takes discipline….

The Other Stuff is also not so bad. It includes things like managing your business and finances so you can survive, plan ahead, and then the biggest part – spend time with the people you love and actually have a *life*. I actually have a better handle on that now than I ever have. I’m far less stressed.

Creativity is funny. It’s not like a faucet, you can’t turn it on and off, but you can learn how to coax it along and even ‘fake’ it using old bits of creative output laying around when you are dry as an old well. Truly inspired strips come from when your creativity is clicking along. Sometimes you literally ‘got nothing’, and you rely on bits of dried creativity that you try to bring back to life to get you along to the next bit.

Inspiration is also a funny thing. My old schedule was very hectic. I left out a lot of things that seem frivolous, but in truth can have a very indirect bearing on your creativity, raw labor and other stuff as well…” – Fred Gallagher

Initiating “Raw Labor” is something I have a lot of difficulty with. Mainly because I want what I do to be fulfilling, especially if I am doing something that I would like to have some greater value to me in the future. I did not realize the value of my words until about a year or so after I had been writing random poetry on the back of papers I had long since lost. I was able to retrieve a few, but even then, the rest were lost forever. I cannot kick myself in the butt…I really do need the support of those who know how much I wish to be a manga writer to keep encouraging me, even if it means telling me my idea isn’t a good one. I’m always kicking “Kou” in the butt to draw for my KND (and he doesn’t even need it), but there are very few who do that for me. I appreciate the ones that do, but it is different to be kicked in the butt by words from an IM, than to have someone you care about – and cares about you – in your face telling you that you’ll be alright. Hugging you, saying that you can do it. That they believe in you. It’s…so much different…At least I think it is, since I’ve never had that luxury before.

The “Other Stuff” I really don’t have to deal with much of that now, but even at nearly 19 years of age (in less than 2 months), I find myself thinking ahead to the future of possible business endeavors, who will be in my life, and what and where will I be. I gave up on thinking about marriage around 16 years of age because I came to the conclusion that I don’t know if I am even marriage material. I had become obsessed with getting married just so I could be a better father than mine was…and that’s not the best reason to get married, no matter how viable my reasons are. I don’t know if I will become a manga-ka. I don’t know if I will become a seiyuu. I don’t know if all this writing I’m doing will amount to anything. And yet…I do it with the hope that when much of that “other stuff” does come my way, I may have something to show for all that time I spent concerning myself with my future.

“Inspiration” & creativity comes easier to me than I give myself credit for. What sucks is when I have it, and can’t write it. Countless times did that happen to me in school. I have ideas for manga sitting in my scribbling notebook, but I can barely push forward on my current manga endeavor Kokoro No Dansu. It’s not “Kou”’s fault for still being in school, or not having me around to kick him in the butt when I’m at college. It’s not my fault that I have to deal with so much regarding being a college student, a best friend, a Head Admin, a guy who hopes that he isn’t wasting his time pursuing some beautiful, fun girl that he really feels understands him better than anyone, etc. etc. that I just don’t have the strength to kick myself in the butt, simply because I’ve kicked myself in the butt for all those other things. However, it is my fault when inspiration comes, and I ignore it…

…kinda like I almost did not start writing this entry because I knew it would turn out like this; a nonsensical rant.

I honestly don’t know what I am, or could survive being, in terms of occupation. I’m just a guy who has grown up too fast for his own good. If I had all the answers, this wouldn’t be life. I would be trying to avoid every possible “twist of fate”, which isn’t living. Whatever I wind up being, I can only hope that I can be happy where I ended up, without needing the approval of anyone else.