A certain motto has been going around among a few Kansai Gaidai gaikokujin [foreigners] I know, and I believe that it rings true within me as well. Many believe that much emphasis is given to the Japanese way of approaching schoolwork: study study study to do well in Japanese classes, but not enough to going out and learning Japanese for ourselves through interaction and everyday conversation. In short, this motto is known as: Kansai Gaidai: Sorry. I’m too busy studying Japanese to learn Japanese. I suppose this is more of a common inside joke than anything else. Some have even said that eventually they want to make a shirt that says this. I don’t think anyone ever will though…Among the many things I want to buy and refrain from buying, I would find that to be a reasonable investment, believe it or not.

Like right now…I should be studying Japanese because I experienced a massive influx of stress earlier today because I devoted all of yesterday evening to putting together something of a proposal for that paper. Being too fatigued to study seriously, I was not properly ready to review the chapter, causing me to have a horrid headache after just my Spoken Japanese class. Thankfully, I only had that class and my Modern Japanese Lit class. I never did get the 300-page reading of Ibuse Masuji’s Kuroi Ame [Black Rain] done, but neither did a 1/4 of the class. When we separated into groups for discussion, 9/10 of us hadn’t finished it. All in all, at least I know the ending and got through about half of it. By the time I got back to my room, hugging another one of Yoshimoto Banana-sama’s novels I had extracted from the school library, I was too tensed to do anything. I made a sandwich, thinking that would sedate my mind, but that only encouraged the allure of napping. An hour became two hours. My headache had receded somewhat, so I don’t regret it in the slightest.

My motivation for studying Japanese like a serious japanese student has faltered over the last few weeks. I can somewhat attribute this happening because of weekends becoming busy, in a good way, for me after dealing with the week. A little more is due to having other assignments and/or a lazy mindset. A larger portion assigned to my desire to write/blog…like right now. The final sliver of the puzzle fitting into my preference of watching anime to practice listening and everyday usage, and, though I never do it, reading manga to study new kanji. I will probably attempt to review kanji, vocabulary, and the chapter I’m on for Spoken Japanese…but not before I correct my sakubun [composition] for R&W Japanese.

I have 6 more weeks of class, and as of tomorrow, 7 more weeks in Japan. I have turned down many intriguing events due to my own paranoid apprehensions of being “singled-out” or just being too caught up in my studying or other assignments. I haven’t gone to a fun place like Nanba or Nipponbashi in weeks because I either don’t know about outings among acquaintances, or I never bother asking because I have some assignment or feel I have not earned the right to have fun in lieu of my lack of isshoukenmei towards my studies. Is it so wrong for me to experience my definition of fun for the time I have left in this beautiful country?

So many persons I know don’t seem to consider the same things I do, not even Dave — they either have classes that have less demand on participation and reading, and/or they are staying for a year. At this moment, they feel they have all the time in the world, and occassionally tend to be forgetful of those who are departing in December. I know this because of the people I want to spend time with, but can’t because I am chained by the scholastic expectations, if not simply by the fact that being here right now is an financial investment of loans and money from my own pocket. Even KANA-CHAN (my laptop) was a gift so that I could work to my greatest potential here and still have a way of maintaining a money flow. I am obligated to be work-oriented and responsible for all that I am to accomplish here, and there is no changing that. Overall, my increased mastery of Japanese and my transcripts will be the fruit of my labor here. If they are not plentiful, then my mission and the gracious investments sent my way are a failure in my eyes.

Am I applying more effort into my being here than I give myself credit for? Am I subconsciously using my own shortcomings as a reason to not invest time in those whom I would like to have a deeper friendship with on the precept that I could very well never see any of them again? They have each other after all. I’m just…a transient presence lying in the wake of each passing day; progressively fading from their sight. Isshoukenmei or not, this is all I have left. They are all I have left.

I wish I were someone able to be saved…I will try to somehow save myself…I don’t believe I have thrown away the key to my forged chains that aim to pin me down to the earth, having lost the freedom to fly along side my kindred companions. But then, I never had such carefree wings from the moment I stepped off that plane.

I have said these similar things and more in the past. I am not pessimistic. I am realistic.

Currently Listening To: Hillsongs – Blessed – “All The Heavens”