Live.Move.Breathe. [Ikiru.Ugoku. Tsuku.]

In light of me officially completing my finals on Tuesday, everything seems to have been moving in slow motion for me. The passage of time has become so convoluted in my mind. The occurrences that have happened from Tuesday onward have seemed like a dream. Though I often already experience a clash between reality and my imaginative viewpoint that envisions more of a fantasy — a story unfolding before my eyes — these perceptions of mine have become even more vivid in the passing days. This is probably due a certain unforseen event in my life, accompanied by the awareness of the goodbyes that I am having to deal with one after the other. On top of this, I honestly have been in no mental health to be blogging, as my mind and imagination seem to have taken a vacation in lieu of the indirect focusing on the final steps necessary to take my leave from Kansai Gaidai, as well as my concerns on the important matter of timing related to my departure from my Seminar House to Hirakata-shi Station. I do not even know how or why I am blogging right now. I haven’t even begun to pack yet, and still need to see about mailing off a box of my books by boat. I am dreading this process…

Last night, I had my third experience playing a real table-top RP in Seminar House 2, in which I took on a character and had to give them life through my own words. I will not go into what happened, but I had fun, despite how difficult it was to keep in-character with a brand-new character, as well as keeping in-step within the realm of dice-rolling. After that, I inquired of the DM, Melanie, what day was it. I could have sworn she said Tuesday, but that is because my consciousness somehow warped her voice and caused me to receive her answer as my sub-conscious wished to take it in. It did not feel like Tuesday, but I knew I could not cross my schedules like I wound up doing with Kazuna on Monday. I asked her again, and this time, she said it was Wednesday. My response to this confusion of mine was fairly calm, yet saddening. Whether I retained my awareness of this fact or not, I was milking my last moments in this “chapter” for all it was worth.

On Tuesday, I spent about two hours talking and having lunch with Kyohei. We were mostly talking in English. Even then, both of us were trying to gather up as much time together as possible. I knew I was, and I could sort of tell that he was also. There were hardly any pauses in our conversation. We talked about everything from games to marriage. I couldn’t resist bringing up that I had received a message from an individual that is priceless to me. And not just one message, but two in the same day; each offering an assurance in my heart that I have not received from a person in a long while. Kyohei enjoyed hearing about my past, and wished me the best in seeing that saga in my life continue. I even told him that I wanted to have my wedding in Japan (a Japanese-style kimono wedding, but with Christian values), in the spring, at the peak of the blossoming of cherry blossoms that are lined along a straight path. Since my relationship with that individual is quite unbelievable, like something out of a shoujo manga, if things were to come together, I would like to continue the fantastical trend — our children would see that we sealed our saga with beauty and love that traversed time, distance, and struggle. Kyohei & I parted ways with words of encouragement coming from him in Japanese. I, on the other hand, could not express myself properly yet again. Even still…

Later that Tuesday, I met up with Kazuna and her friend Mimei (kinda sounds like Minmay from Space Dimension Fortress Marcross). I had asked Joel, another one of the few people I associated with in my time here, if he could come with me since Kazuna was bringing a friend also. He could only stay around for about an hour or so, but his fluency with Japanese gave me a chance to get myself prepared for when he had to leave. The four of us switched off nicely on conversation as we were walking towards a restaurant in Hirakata-shi, which I’m very thankful for. Since we were all speaking Japanese, I spoke in Japanese to Joel as well. You really understand how much you suck when a fellow gaijin doesn’t understand what you just said in Japanese. In any case, Joel left the restaurant before we could eat, but his presence was very much welcomed by us.

The three of us ate nabe, a popular group eating activity of pretty much whatever you want to eat (vegetables, meats, tofu, potatoes, etc.). All you have to do is order what you want to put into it, put it in the boiling water for a while, and take what you want for yourself. I enjoyed myself thoroughly with them — talking about everything under the sun, teasing Kazuna about who kept calling her, and making Mimei laugh. We even had a chance to see a company dinner that was going on behind us as we chatted away while eating small portions. I was in the restaurant for at least 3 1/2 hours with them, speaking Japanese around 95% of the time. We took pictures together as well. When all was said and done, I parted with Kazuna at Hirakata-shi Station, making plans to keep in touch, and sealing it with a handshake. Mimei needed the same train as me, so we rode two stations, keeping our topics small and saying our goodbyes to each other.

["I'm already feeling nostalgic for Osaka..."], I said. I didn’t realize it then, but I was never the one who initiated the conversation, but I had done so without a second thought.

She laughed a bit. ["Why?"]

["Well...I like Osaka. So...I'll definitely be coming back...someday."]

Mimei laughed again as she repeated my delayed punchline with a nod. ["Someday."]

There was a break in the momentary silence with the conductor announcing that we were seconds away from stopping at Makino.

["When you come back, visit Kyoto so we can meet"], she said. She lives with her parents near a well-known temple in Kyoto.

["Yeah. I will."]

["There is nothing to do there."]

["Kyoto is a pretty place...so it's alright."]

["Ganbatte ne,"] we said to each other, and with a slight bow, I disembarked from the train, flowing within the current of Japanese persons as if I had been doing this sort of thing for ages.

Hajimemashite [How do you do]. Sayonara [Goodbye for an uncertain duration]. Both in the same day, and in a matter of five hours. Though our time together was short, the formalities had dissolved and a casual air had come in our choice of speech. Time had worked in our favor, slowing down for the sake of my time with Kazuna and with Mimei. I notice these sorts of things, because I know there is something special about my story and the events that happen within it.

In the past, under less weighty circumstances of parting, I used to look back to see if the person would perhaps still be watching me or expressing some form of emotion to know that we were on the same wavelength. I have never looked back once. To turn back is to disregard the hope of another meeting — they might vanish forever, just as in Greek mythology, Orpheus’s wife, Eurydice, did when he could hold on to the condition to not look back until he left the underworld; or as in the Bible, when Lot’s wife turned to a pillar of salt when she looked back to her city, Sodom, that was burning. I will not do so ever again unless I am closing the gap that only becomes exceedingly more daunting.

I have come a mighty long way…