A year has passed since I had arrived at Kansai Gaidai University and studied my brains out so that I would come back a little bit smarter than I was when I left. Not only did I come back a little bit smarter, I came back a little stronger, wiser, self-aware, and happier. I also returned with the weight of the memories I had gathered and the friendships/acquaintances I had fallen into, knowing darn well that I suck at keeping in touch with people who I probably will not see again within the next few months. A year later, I am relying on an underclassman to pass on messages for me to people I knew he would meet. Save a friend’s Australian girlfriend that we both had met together at the same time and a shout-out to my closest American friend that I made there, I haven’t contacted anyone else.

I was better off being forgotten anyway. Makes things easier on me. Thing is, I haven’t forgotten any of them. Not one.

I don’t believe I told anyone this, but I was massively disillusioned upon returning to America. I hated being here, with my friends and my lover being the main reasons why I could bear it. I didn’t want to be forced to speak English because America doesn’t believe in requiring their “free” society to be bilingual. I knew I would have no one to practice Japanese with and that every aspect necessary to master a language would gradually dull to where it is now — just barely hanging on to the belief that I really CAN speak the language. I was different…but living out my final semester on campus brought me back to where I was before I had left. My final semester was filled with many joys, frustrations, and fears. I left behind wonderful people, and had ultimately made decisions to abandon much of my past.

My lover, Chelsey, of whom I had been forcefully separated from for already a year and a half, contacted me around middle November just before I was to head off to the campus for class. I did not expect to hear from her until May. Though we still had to communicate through non-real-time means for a while still, everything changed for me, yet again, that morning. I would not have it any other way. Time still remains our nemesis to this day. Eight years is a long time for lovers to wait…and still more coming? Yes…It hurts. Her and I will come out of this hardened fighters for love and commitment, and our children will see this clear as day.

I miss melon bread. I miss the convenience stores. I miss real ramen. I miss having seaweed or an egg with all my food. I miss being underestimated as a gaijin. I miss the language. I miss the challenge of survival. I miss having an excuse to use chopsticks every day. To have adapted so well, only to not have a clue when I might be returning, is not a pleasant feeling. It was only four months.

I say “tadaima”. You say “what did you just call me?”

Here I am. Doing all that I can. Maybe someone will understand. And that one will hold my hand.

Humor me. Back to work.

Currently Listening To: +44 – When Your Heart Stops Beating – “No It Isn’t“