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Sometimes I wonder why I begin things that wind up never being finished. Correction; I always wonder why I have so many creative aspirations that never wind up being finished. Receiving another e-mail — the first one in a few months — from someone inquiring about the status of my two-year old Fate/Stay Night Website Translation project reawakens such feelings of failure and doubt in what I am capable of achieving in this life. I am quite the quitter, you know..
Even now, I have a notebook filled with unfinished creative pieces that could have potential in the world of literature, but lacking resolve to go through with them. All of them were started from a spark — a trigger that was pulled by someone or something. Why do so many of my sparks go unseen and flicker away into the darkness? That translation project was a spark of necessity — a call to create something that could pass for a proper final exam grade as a college student in my second year.
I replied back to that e-mail in a similar fashion that resembled other responses to my project. What astounds me is that there is still demand for that project, regardless of how meager it is, for more information to be supplied and garnered from the Japanese sites out there. I questioned my will to return to such a project, knowing how I have advanced in Japanese and web design. I could have a chance to turn it around if I had others to aid me. I have not been one to seek help from others for my entire life.
I am much different than who I was back then. I did not have isshoukenmei to carry me forward. One does not require knowledge of isshoukenmei to take the next step, but I believe that everyone has a sense of it lingering in what we all know as “willpower”. Returning back to my roots in this way, I find that what willpower I had back then was all derived from a need. Nowadays, the only real “need” I have is to fulfill personal expectations that perhaps one or two others sincerely remind me that they too care about as much as I.
With much potential to create in 2008 before me, what will I do with my ability to engage in isshoukenmei? Will I await for others to acknowledge that I am struggling to succeed at something, or can I simply grasp my past and present endeavors and never let go, despite the vicious silence of it all?
神様、どうか。。。2008の時、僕は何かが作りたいんだよ。
Please God…I want to create in 2008.
Currently Listening To: Sonic 3D Blast – Genesis OST – Diamond Dust Zone Act 1
The holiday was nice. Wound up spending it with my father’s side of the family — the only side of the family that I probably have any sort of hope for a real relationship with.
My time with CC Corp. has whipped me into a whirlwind of emotions these past two days. With the anticipated beta release of The World R:2 [Version 0.2], I have been committing much time and effort to maintaining order and a genuine system for members of the community to adhere to. Without order, there is chaos…and even under my watchful eye, there is still a mess — albeit, much less of a mess than it would have been if I were not moderating. I enjoy it though, but I despise the selfishness of a good portion of the members there to the point of tears.
I started back at work today, and, as expected, there was not much for me to do and not much communication between my boss and I. I had asked if I had to come into the office tomorrow, but I have not heard back from him. I hope I receive an e-mail saying I do not have to. I never did, and wound up driving in when I found out later I did not have to.
Still no word on my third attempt for the presentation voice over work, but He said he liked them and should work on the rest tomorrow. I did receive an offer to start writing news briefs for a big client that Image Cog is in a close relationship with that could raise my salary and role if I succeed in presenting the topic matter well. Since I accepted the proposition, I will wait and see what becomes of it.
…
That’s all.
It’s true. IsShouKenMei is secretly propagating subliminal messages to the masses all about that. Have fun with that.
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