Anyone else noticed my sudden drop in blogging frequency? So much of my usual thinking and dealings with life have been assailed in the last month that lately I don’t know what the heck I’m supposed to be doing anymore. Though this blog exists for me to share my ups and triumphs, I haven’t really accomplished or overcome much of anything in weeks. So, in light of not being much of a winner, I’ve decided to take the low road for once and share my thoughts regarding what it’s like to fall short of my own expectations of isshoukenmei.
Isshoukenmei should not be an obligation. — For me, isshoukenmei is a way of life, but it can also become so much of an obligation that it seems like I fail at life when I don’t complete anything. We can only do so much in one day, and I forgot that no one is holding a gun to my head telling me to do what I do. It’s best to accept that it’s okay not to earn a gold star every day and very few people care about how much I aspire until I actually succeed. Things take time, and I have certainly been working on many projects at once that require more than a week to complete.
Isshoukenmei should not cause depression. — I have been striving towards various things lately, by myself and with others, though not really getting very far. Due to thinking and doing so much, nothing ever got wrapped up which caused me to have a spat with depression the last two weeks before this one. I have not suffered that kind of depression since high school…So it was serious. Working hard is one thing, but the moment one begins to dwell on the incomplete, they are sure to feel less than what they truly are themselves.
Isshoukenmei can hurt. — It’s difficult for me to be satisfied with each day, and that depending on what I have been working towards, I find myself longing just be told by that special person that it’s alright and to tend to my wounds. Doing all that you can every moment of every day is bound to bring to light past failures and pangs; things that couldn’t be fixed or given the closure that it deserved. For anyone, regardless of the hard work we put out each day, there is pain, but it shouldn’t be where our focus is.
Isshoukenmei can bring undesired change. — For years, I wrote and brainstormed for stories based off of moments in my life or people I had met, only to have at least a third of those stories or ideas abandoned due to life dealing a different card that made it impossible to continue. I think everyone knows what it’s like to put as much of yourself into some task or some purpose and find that the complete opposite reaction or outcome occurred. When putting forth such a heartfelt effort in something, it’s best to remember that we are ever-changing beings in a world constantly looking towards tomorrow. No matter how much we think we are in the right, tomorrow can always throw an unexpected curve.
As I grow up and perceive how much the world — both the outside and my own — has changed in such a short span, I’m still learning all of these things and in need of applying them better. All I can do is continue with a contrite heart and a firm mindset, accepting that not every day is going to be the winner I want it to be.
It’s called not being perfect.
Currently Listening To: Andy McKee – Dreamcatcher – “Common Ground”
8 comments
Comments feed for this article
2008-02-28 at 23:00:39
Kayuri
Thank you for telling me what I need to hear… or more like typing what I need to see. It’s really just the thing I needed… and coming from you, it makes more sense, I guess. And yes, I am randomly thanking you for helping me out (somewhat) of my current self-doubt, depression, and insecurity that I’ve been having this past month or so… I don’t have really much to say, shall I explain it to you when I get the chance?. ._.” ~Kayuri-chan
2008-02-28 at 23:45:35
storymode
Of course, Kayuri-chan! Please share with me when you have a chance. You know I’m here for you whenever I can be. I’m thankful that this could be of some help to you in the mean time though..
2008-02-29 at 00:18:20
Kou
dude, I’m so sorry about the depression, I honestly had no idea…I wish I could be there to help support you through whatever you must be going through.
And succeeding in life doesn’t mean accomplishing something. Life is about the persuit of happiness and although you find pleasure in your goals (we all do) they should not limit our ability to enjoy life. I hope you can overcome this and come to enjoy life for what it is and realize success lies in how you approach life, not what you gain in it. You’re very talented and knowledgeable, you should be proud of yourself, not your accomplishments, but you’re self. You’re a kind and wonderful person and that’s a lot saying so give yourself a break. You deserve it.
2008-02-29 at 10:03:41
storymode
Thanks for the encouragement, Kou. I know you mean very well in supporting me, but I think there were a few things that may have been overlooked in your reading of this entry.
I’m over the depression because it happened the previous two weeks. I knew it would be temporary because I wouldn’t allow myself to fall backward into the life I used to live back then.
This entry was not meant to be a critique of what I haven’t accomplished, but rather a reminder of how I should approach my life, just as you are saying. Being acutely aware of the fact that everything in this life is temporary, gaining anything isn’t what I want to do. By living according to my faith in God and what I have established as “isshoukenmei”, my overall intent is to be happy with how I lived my life, dying with the awareness that I lived to my full potential with great fervor. That happiness comes from doing what others might not think I can do. Everyone likes to win, and all I know is that I can do better than what I’m doing to enjoy myself and life in general. I would hate to not have anything tangible to pass onto future generations..
I’m glad I have a great friend like you who wants to stick with me until the end. I want to do the same, and help you succeed in any way I can. If anyone can do it, then we should as well, right? ^^
2008-03-2 at 10:58:09
keito
This blog should be only about what you want. You’re right, it shouldn’t be an obligation or cause depression. Sometimes I think that I should write more in mine, but sometimes you just don’t feel like spilling it all out at that moment…or you just can’t think of anything to spill out. It’s alright. As far as the depression thing goes, I know how you feel. I find myself pretending to be happy a majority of the time, but this is usually when I’m farthest from God. And being surrounded by people, people that I care about, forces me to pretend, but in the end I find that it all becomes real. It’s alright to tend to your wound ^_^. We’ll all still be hear anxiously waiting to just see how you are.
Btw, can’t wait to see you! So Mon. and/or Wednes. night will be our night, or nights XD. Movies and sushi!
2008-03-2 at 13:04:18
storymode
So so true, Cait. Depression has no place in mine or your life. I’ve learned to not spill out everything online, but rather present it in a way that helps me to better understand myself, and has potential to help others who might be struggling with the same thing. I want this blog to become a source of encouragement and strength to those who read it, as well as to me who is writing it.
Wait…you’re here already?! I thought it was next week! Freakin’ call me so I can get my act together! XD Can’t wait to see you either! ^_^
2008-03-2 at 19:31:47
keito
Oh no sorry! I meant next week’s Mon. and/or Wednes. nights haha ^_^;;. You know I’ll call you when I get there!
2008-05-24 at 19:51:47
escapistfairy
Alex-san,
I don’t honestly know how many times I will say certain things and I know you’re probably tired of hearing them, but I guess the reason I do often repeat them is so you can never forget. I know you keep wondering why I bother to put so much effort into caring for you, and for a period of time I wasn’t certain myself, but I believe I figured it out somewhat. I don’t do because I’m a caring person and that it is part of who I am. I do it for you. There is no rhyme or reason other than you are my friend and my feelings for you. I know our future is uncertain…and anything can happen between us,and I understand that. More than you know and more than I show. But I know one thing for certain. I will always be your friend and I will always support you in every endeavor you pursue. I know you can do anything you put your mind to. It may take awhile, but it will be done through your hard work and determination.
I have the utmost faith that you will sort everything you need to and make the right decisions. Life is tricky in its game and most certainly unfair, but in the end it is the journey to get there is what matters.
I talk about you quite often, not because of the happiness I feel for myself that I have such a great friend, but because of the pride I feel. Whether it be what you are doing and succeeding at or that fact I can call you my friend. I hold this overwhelming sense of pride from it. I will not let anyone take that away from me. I am always happy when you tell me that you had gotten the part for an audition you participated in or something simple that you had accomplished that day. You are the best thing that could of happened in my life. You’ve encouraged me in ways that no other has… You’ve cheered me up when I was feeling depressed… And all the while I wish I could do the same for you…
You know whenever you need it, I will gladly tell you everything is alright. I know you’re doing all that you can. It is the best you can do. *hugs* Just so you know I am happy with our friendship even if it doesn’t seem like it.
Love,
Aikou-chan ^^